2011 Tried to Kill Me

We had a pretty awesome year. Brian did well in school. He got a new job. We spent some time with his family over the summer. I enjoyed the beach, the sunshine, and the sand. Donnie Wahlberg totally followed me on Twitter. Thanksgiving was a little sad with the loss of my grandfather. But Christmas was a blast.


Then Monday happened.


While shopping for groceries, I sneezed. And the World's Worst Migraine struck.


I was sick for 2 days. Noise, light, the smell of food--all made me sicker. 


Finally, by the time I went to bed Tuesday night, I was feeling better.


Then Wednesday happened.


I woke up in a cold sweat at approximately 2 a.m. Wednesday morning with a pain in my side that can only be compared to being stabbed to death by an evil serial killer. It was so bad, I could barely breathe. Brian got up with me while I paced, and cried, and paced some more. After about 2 hours, the pain began to dull enough for me to head back to bed.


Throughout the rest of the day, my pain fluctuated between "Totally Manageable" and "Somebody Kill Me Now." By 10 pm Wednesday night, I was convinced I was going to die. When the vomiting started, my husband bundled me up and drove me to the emergency room. Under any other circumstances, I would have been kicking and screaming the whole way. But I was so sick, all I wanted was for the pain to stop. Even if that meant spending several hours in the ER with my ass hanging out of a paper gown.


They wheeled me back for a CT scan, and lo, a 3 mm kidney stone was discovered. The doctor patted my hand sympathetically, promised me morphine, and went on his merry way. When the nurse finally showed up to start my IV meds, I threatened to kiss her on the mouth. And when that first delicious shot of morphine streamed into my veins, I wept with relief. 


I've spent the last few days doped up on pain meds and Flomax, and drinking Gatorade like a thirsty frat boy. Finally, around 9 pm last night, I passed the stone.


It looked like this:

That's right. It's holding a sickle. And a mace on a chain. Because he's EVIL.

Or at least, it's what I imagine it would have looked like under a microscope.

Needless to say, I think 2011 is trying to tell me something. 


So, I'm looking to 2012 in hopes that things will be better. Most years, I'll write out a list of resolutions as long as my arm. This year, I'm narrowing my focus to two things.


1) Be nice. To myself and to people around me. Not that I'm not nice now, just that I can always be nicer. 


And:


2) Don't get any more kidney stones. Because they suck. A lot.


Happy New Year!!

Christmas Recap

I consider myself to be a perpetual student of life. Every situation I'm in, I find, there's something I can learn from it. The holidays are no different. And this year, I learned three specific things from Christmas. (You guessed it. It's an Abby Gabs list blog.)


#3: Charlie Brown, my brother's dog, is a serious camera hog.
I already knew he was extremely photogenic, highly adorable, and somewhat of an attention hound. But it wasn't until I was busy cropping the photos of our gift exchange that I noticed something...funny.

Charlie was somehow, inexplicably, in almost every one. 


#2: I come by my talent for funny faces honestly.
That is to say, most everyone in my family can manipulate their mugs almost as well as I can. The photo that makes this point totally obvious is this one of my baby brother, Adam.

Note: This picture was taken AFTER I prepared him that I was going to take it. As in, I said, "Adam, look at me and smile." And he made THAT face. Isn't it totally obvious that we're kin?


And lastly,
#1: I also come by my sense of humor naturally.
We are nothing if not a bunch of jokesters. And oh, boy, does that ever come out around Christmas. No, we're not running about hiding whoopie cushions or pulling practical jokes. But the gifts we give? Well...let's just say we spend a lot of Christmas day laughing our proverbial arses off.

Brian got Scooby Doo scrubs for work.

Dad got a framed picture of himself. (It was in the paper. He's famous.)

(Mom got a cow timer that, sadly, does not moo.)

This was Adam's reaction to the Ninja Turtles toboggan we got for him.

And, well...you know me. I think everything's funny. Especially the apron
Mom and Dad got me that makes me out to be a lush.
(The front reads "Wine is the answer...wait, what was the question?")

Of course, heading into the new year, there's one thing I'm 100% sure about, and have been since I was a child. I'm the luckiest kid on the block, because I have the bestest family in the whole wide world, bar none.


I hope your Christmas was as much fun as ours. 

Winner Winner Chicken Dinner! (Or, I Reveal Who Wins a Donnie Doll!)

I hope each and every one of you had a fantastic Christmas! We certainly did! And we're continuing to spread the holiday cheer with the culmination of my very first blog giveaway! Which faithful reader and Donnie Wahlberg fan will be receiving their very own Donnie Wahlberg Poseable Action Figure in the mail? Watch this short video to find out!!




CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!


That was so much fun, I need to find something else to giveaway. Who wants some very used, extremely comfortable, holey ballet flats?


No?


Ok, I'll find something else.

A Christmas Card, From Us to You

May your stocking be filled to overflowing, your eggnog sufficiently spiked, and your holiday extremely merry.


Happy Holidays from all of us at Abby Gabs! (Not pictured (because they weren't cooperating): Dizzy, Harry and Pip


PS: Dontcha just love Awkward Christmas Photos? We do. :)

Mirror Mirror--An Abby Gabs Video Blog

If you can't see today's video blog, point your browser to my YouTube channel:  http://www.youtube.com/user/AbbyC613


And don't forget---there's still plenty of time to enter my very first giveaway! You KNOW you want your very own Donnie Wahlberg doll...don't deny it...

This Morning, I Became An Assassin.

When my alarm clock went off this morning, I had no idea what was in store for me in the first thirty minutes of my day. I simply wiped the sleep from my eyes, padded to the bathroom, and started my morning routine with a steamy hot shower. 


Showering, and other bathroom moments, are rarely a single-person sport in my house. In most cases, one of our four feline friends will accompany us while we "take care of business." This morning was no exception, and our orange kitty, Scooter, followed me into the bathroom and took up his place next to the bathmat. I took off my jammies, waited until the water was piping hot, then stepped inside.


Ahhhh.

Nothing gets me going in the morning like a nice, hot shower. When I was squeaky clean, I turned the water off and reached out for my towel, trying to keep the shower curtain as closed as possible. You know...so all the steam stays inside and you can be warm for a little while longer.

I'm a two-towel girl: one for my hair, another for my body. I wrapped Towel Number One around my head, and went for Towel Number Two. That's when I noticed something strange. Scooter was still in his favorite Mom's Taking A Shower spot, but he was no longer curled up and napping in the steam-filled room.


Instead, he was at Full Cat Attention. His whiskers and tail were twitching, and he was trembling with feline delight.

When his Eye Lasers are trained on one specific spot, it can only mean one thing.


We had company.


Crappity crap crap. I was home alone, the husband off to day two at his new job. If it was an eight-legged You Know What, I was veritably trapped in the bathroom until Brian got home from work. 


At 7:00.


P.M.


It was going to be a long day.


I drew the shower curtain open all the way, terrified of what I might find. 


And found a Palmetto Bug the size of a hover board instead.

There I am, naked and wet, at my most vulnerable, trapped in the bathtub by a giant, evil bug from hell. Awesome. I spent the next five minutes trying to convince my cat to pounce on it. However, he just sat there, totally frozen, my pleas of "SICK IT, SCOOTER!" gone unanswered.


I begin considering my options. Staying in the tub, unclothed and freezing, isn't one of them. I think about dropping a heavy shampoo bottle on it's head, but know I'll miss. And if it starts climbing into the tub, I'll loose my Cheerios. That's when I spot the most likely weapon for this scenario, sitting across the bathroom in the corner.


Toilet plunger. Bingo.


I take a deep breath, position myself on the far end of the tub away from the bug, and leap for the plunger. In that moment, I was not Abby, Naked and Scared. I was Abby, Bug Killer Warrior Princess.

Needless to say, when I started swinging the plunger, Scooter beat feet for the door as fast as his puffy tail could take him.


The first time I whacked the bug, it bounced and, unscathed, scurried underneath the skirt of the shower curtain. Near my feet. I whirled around, ripped the shower curtain up and over the lip of the tub. No bug on the floor. It had scurried up into the shower curtain, and was trapped somewhere between the decorative curtain and the plastic liner. I gave it a hefty shake, and the bug fell out into the tub, trapped on his back, all six legs waggling in the air, trying to find a foothold to flip itself over.


I didn't give it that chance.


With three mighty smacks, I neutralized the threat with my handy dandy toilet plunger. Problem solved.


Except now there was a dead body in the bottom of my tub.


Not willing to use up a number of plastic bags and duct tape, I considered my options. There was no way in hell I was going to pick that huge sucker up with toilet paper. Nuh unh. I hadn't finished my "O Magazine" yet, either, and even though it was the closest scooping mechanism nearby, I wasn't willing to get bug cooties on it for the sake of body disposal. I thought a spatula would probably work best, but, um, ew.


And then, a lightbulb moment. (Thanks, Oprah.) I scurried to the kitchen (still naked, mind you), and scrounged around in a drawer for a minute until I came up with a rarely used, plastic picnic spatula. Back to the bathroom I went. I scooped up the now deceased bugger, and sent him to his watery grave.

Don't worry. I threw away the spatula. And I eventually managed to get dressed and everything.


After I took a morning swig of vodka. Straight out of the bottle.

It's The Hap-Happiest Season of All

Today's post will be a short one. Because, dear readers, words fail in situations like these. You see...Christmas came to Abby Gabs early this year.


See?:

Who needs Santa Claus when you have a husband who actively supports collecting toys?


Here's the thing, though, readers. You see, last week, I told you all about how our awesome friend, Angie, sent me the coolest Donnie Wahlberg doll ever. After seeing my reaction (ie: SQUEEEEEEE!) Brian decided to add to my collection, and purchased the entire set. All Five Dolls....ALL MINE.


Which means I have 2 Donnies.


Which is sort of like a dream come true. 


But you see...I have an extra. Guess what THAT means?!?!?

<insert cheesy game show music here>


If you've always dreamed of owning your very own authentic Donnie Wahlberg poseable action figure (in the original, unopened box), then this is the giveaway of your dreams! Here's how we'll play.

Grand Prize: THE Donnie Wahlberg Poseable Action Figure Doll:

The Rules: Because even games are more fun with them.

#1: Leave me a comment below, telling me about YOUR childhood celebrity crush. If it wasn't Donnie Wahlberg, was it Donnie Osmond? Zack Morris? Optimus Prime? (No, Brian, you can't play.) Either way, I'd like to know who it was that you fawned over in a fog of AquaNet.  (This counts as one entry.)


#2: Put up a Facebook post about the giveaway, and leave a separate comment with the link! (This counts as one entry.)


#3: Blog all about it! If you think your readers would have fun playing, let them know in a blog! Leave me a separate comment with a link. (This counts as one entry.)


#4: For a SUPER-DOOPER, DOUBLE-POINTS entry, Tweet this contest and include the Donnie Wahlberg tag! Just link to this post, and make sure you let Donnie know we're giving his plastic doppelganger a new home by adding @DonnieWahlberg to your tweet! This will get you TWO WHOLE ENTRIES!! Just leave me a separate comment with the link to your tweet. (This counts as two entries.)


The contest will be open for entries for one whole week! I'll tally up the points and announce the winner next Monday, December 26th! And you'll have your very own Donnie Wahlberg Poseable Action Figure Before 2012! How cool is that?? Super easy to play! And the prize is sexy AND poseable!! (Can't ask for more than that, ladies.)


*Author's note: I'm well aware that you probably have no interest in a Donnie Wahlberg poseable action figure. But who cares! It'll be fun to play anyway. (Plus, Donnie may see one of your tweets and totally smile at me. Or something else that would be epic blog fodder.)

I dunno. You pick.

Raise your hand if you're married.


Now, raise your hand if you're the decision maker in your family.


I'm not talking about major decisions--like what vehicle you might be purchasing, or where you're going to live. I'm talking about the day-to-day decisions: what you're having for dinner on Friday, what you want to watch on television, what you're going to buy your parents for Christmas.


While Brian and I tackle most major decisions as a team, when it comes to the more mundane decisions in life, they're left mostly up to me. A conversation between us may go a little something like this:


A: I'm making the grocery list for the week. I've got most of our meals planned out, but I was wondering what you might want for dinner on Thursday night.
B: I don't know.
A: Anything you've been craving lately? Or something we've done recently you'd like again?
B: I don't know.
A: Pick a country.
B: Errr....
A: Ok....pick an animal.
B: Ummmm...
A: *trying not to lose her patience.* Any ideas? At all?
B: Whatever you want, babe.
A: grrrrrrrrrrrr....


Now, most normal people wouldn't be annoyed with that conversation. Most people would make the assumption that the person uninterested in making a decision about a meal plan is just that: uninterested in making a decision about a meal plan.


However, Brian is a professional at not making decisions about a lot of stuff.


B: I'm bored.
A: So let's watch something on TV.
B: *flip flip flip* There's nothing on.
A: Sure there is. You're just not trying hard enough to find something.
B: *hands Abby the remote* I dunno. You pick.
A: grrrrrrrrrrr........


And while out on the town:


B: I'm hungry.
A: So, let's grab something to eat.
B: Ok.
A: Where do you want to go?
B: I dunno.
A: What are you in the mood for? 
B: I dunno.
A: Italian? Mexican? American?
B: I dunno.
A: Pizza? Burgers? Burritos?
B: I dunno. You pick.
A: grrrrrrrr......


When in the store:


A: Ooh, these pot holders are cute!
B: Yeah, they are.
A: Mom would really like these. We should get some. Which do you think: cows or pigs?
B: I dunno.
A: I mean, the cows are here favorites, but the pigs are pink. And she loves pink. Right?
B: I guess.
A: I'm asking your opinion here. Which ones? Cows? Or Pigs?
B: I dunno. You pick.
A: grrrrrrrrrrr.....


Most of the time, I ignore it. It is in his nature to make sure everyone around him is happy. It's sweet and endearing.


Except when it's not.


Because sometimes, I want to NOT have to make any decisions. Sometimes I wish he would say, "Abby, tonight we're going to go to here, eat there, and enjoy that."


So, a few nights ago we were out Christmas shopping for our family. Which, believe me, makes my brain hurt from all the decision making. Upon finishing, Brian tells me he wants dinner. (Because Christmas shopping is tough in general...and it's even tougher on a strict budget.) And he's really craving pizza. Hallelujah! Decision made!


B: So, what kind of pizza do you want?
A: I don't care, babe. Just get whatever you want.
B: *cannot compute. Brain shutting down. Abby doesn't want to make a decision. System failure.*
A: Seriously. It's up to you. I don't want to have to make any more decisions today. In fact, any decisions made in the next twenty-four hours are solely yours to make.
B: ... ... ... ... Ok. I think I can handle that.


He whips out his smart phone, orders a pizza, and we begin driving. I'm utterly relieved that I didn't have to choose our dinner, and I settle back in my seat to enjoy the ride of the unencumbered. Our conversation turns toward our Christmas haul, how we'll wrap the items, and what reactions we're hoping for from the recipients. Ten minutes into the conversation, Brian turns to me and says:


B: So, what do you want to do when we get home?
A: *face palm* You didn't even last ten minutes.
B: ... ... ... ... I was asking your opinion, so I could make an informed decision.

What? He tried.

An Abby Gabs Pop Quiz

Ok, class, let's settle down and take our seats. I know you weren't expecting it, but today I'm giving you a Pop Quiz. (Surprise!) This quiz will only have one question, and it's your job to root out the correct answer. So, boys and girls, everyone put away your books, take out your sharpened #2 pencils, and let's get to work.


The question: 

Why in the $@*& hasn't Abby written a blog since Monday, December 12th?

Is the answer...?:

A. She ran off and joined the circus.

B. She was abducted by aliens. (Oh no!)

C. She's been battling a righteous stomach flu.

OR

D. She went to the North Pole to visit Santa Claus. (YAY!)

Now, class, if we use our best detective skills (and also that rule you learned in SAT prep), I'm sure we'll all arrive at the very same answer! And that answer is...

Ewwwwww.

It's true, readers. I haven't been ignoring you outright. Nor have I been off enjoying some fantastical adventure. Instead, I've been...well...I'll leave out all the details and just say I've been sick.


Thankfully, I'm feeling much, MUCH better today. (I.E. --> I'm actually up, dressed, AND wearing make-up: three things that have not happened consecutively in the same day since Sunday night.) So...yay me!


Despite being ill for the past few days, I have managed to complete a few minor tasks. I braved the elements long enough to pick up a few Christmas gifts (don't worry, recipients. I didn't breathe germs on them.) I also finished and sent all my Christmas cards (same rules apply. All stamps and envelopes were self-adhesive. Thank you, technology gods.) I also felt well enough Wednesday to head out for a haircut and color.

No more grays---YAY!!! Merry Christmas to my hair.

So, readers...my apologies. I didn't mean to leave you high and dry. But no worries...I'm back, I'm better, and I'm ready to start blogging again. Full steam ahead!


Tomorrow, I'll tell you all about a humorous encounter I had with the husband while out Christmas shopping...stay tuned.

And The Obsession Continues to Grow...

If you've been a reader of Abby Gabs for more than, well, a week, then it's fairly obvious that I carry a torch for one Donald Edmond Wahlberg, Jr.


That's Donnie Wahlberg, in case you didn't know. And if the name still doesn't ring a bell, he is the Wahlberg of New Kids on the Block fame. He's also well-known for his acting career, and has gifted us with such roles as Vincent Grey in The Sixth Sense, Sergeant Lipton in Band of Brothers, and most recently as Danny Reagan in the hit TV series, Blue Bloods.


In case none of that rings a bell, either, here's a picture, for visual reference.

*Swoon.*

Since I started blogging here on Abby Gabs, I've told you all about how I twitter stalk Mr. Wahlberg. You've heard the story about how he wished me happy birthday back in June. And you'll recall the many different Donnie Wahlberg gifts I've received in the past year...from my Donnie Pinata:

Coolest Birthday Gift, EVER.

To the collection of pins I was given by my aunt this summer:

That's right. Not one, but TWO Donnie pins, with a group shot thrown in for good luck.

It is safe to say, dear readers, that my Donnie collection is steadily growing. In fact, just this past Saturday, I received ANOTHER gift, this one from a faithful reader. Angie, a friend of Brian's from high school, scored an awesome Donnie Wahlberg doll action figure from her local flea market. Knowing of my obsession for the New Kid, she immediately thought of me. With Brian's help, she secretly shipped me the doll action figure to add to my collection.

To say I was excited was an understatement.

When I wrote her to say thank you for my awesome early Christmas gift, her reply was in typical Donnie-Fan-Girl fashion: 

"What's a little Donnie love between Cover Girls?"

It's so true. We're a gaggle of gal pals, us NKOTB fans. We are grown women with full-time jobs and families and obligations who, in our our free time, enjoy hanging out with our inner tween. Thanks, Angie, for making my whole weekend! I will cherish my Donnie doll action figure forever and ever and ever!


Now....to collect all five...


Hey, Brian. When do I get my very own Donnie Wahlberg shelf??

Now I just need more stuff to fill it. Ebay, here I come!!

Dear Santa: An Abby Gabs Christmas Poem

Dear Santa, it's that time of year 

When letters grace your door,

Each asking for so many things,

Especially toys galore. 

There are a hundred tiny things

That'd make my Christmas merry.

But there's just one thing on my list

That would be the sundae's cherry.

You see, St. Nick, I have these shoes

I've worn for five whole years.

They are the bestest shoes of all,

But now I'm shedding tears.

These shoes of mine, they have some holes

And tears and rips and scratches.

And even though I'm good with thread,

These shoes need more than patches.

I've left my shoesies out all night

In hopes that elves might call

And fix them up as good as new,

With brand new soles and all.

I've stapled them, and sewn them up

And tried my hand with glue.

I've searched the shoe stores high and low

And all of the internet, too.

But the photographic evidence

Speaks truly of their fate.

Dear Santa Claus, you know it's true

Though I dearly dearly hate

To throw them out with Tuesday's trash,

But I have no other choice!

Unless you'll grant my Christmas wish,

And then I shall rejoice!

Could you please send an elf or two

To my house Christmas Eve?

A patched up pair of ballet flats--

What a present to receive!

Or maybe you could work a little

Special Christmas magic.

An elven spell, some fairy dust

To aid my shoes, so tragic.

Dear Santa, all I want this year

Are shoes that don't have holes!

Or rips or tears or splits or cracks

Or places for my toes!

If you could find it in your heart

(It would be oh so great!)

To send me a brand new pair of shoes

(They're ballet flats, size 8.)

Photo Shoot with Nurse Brian

Yesterday, Brian and I took a trip to our local uniform outlet storm. And guess what we bought??!


SCRUBS!


(If you didn't guess scrubs, you're really bad at this game. Or else, you've never had cause to visit your own local uniform outlet store, and therefore, weren't aware of their contents.)


Brian was so excited. His first real scrubs--YAY! I got to tag along because he's semi-color blind, so he needs my help when it comes to matching colors.


Also, he's a man. So...ya know...lack of fashion sense and whatnot.


There wasn't much left to do when we got home, other than have a fashion show so I could take a TON of pictures for the blog. And that's when things got funny.


I should also mention that we'd been out to dinner before the photo shoot began. And that I had a few glasses of wine. 


So, Brian dons his first outfit, and I start shouting out directions befitting of a professional photographer at a magazine cover shoot.


Abby: Smile! Look happy! Carefree! Think about bunnies!
Brian: *weak smile*

Of course he's wearing his badge. It completes the  ensemble.

When that doesn't get a response out of him, I wait until his back is turned, then "accidentally" click the button when he isn't looking.


Brian: You did NOT just take a picture of my butt.
Abby: Of COURSE not honey...*giggle snort chuckle*

Sorry, honey. I lied.

Still...nothing. So, I decided to opt out of the posed shots, choosing to snap candids instead.


Abby: HEY! LOOKIT ME!!!
Brian: Yes, dear?
Abby: *snap*

What he's thinking: "My wife, she's a crazy." (Read as if you were Luigi.)

(Hopefully he will appreciate my framing, here. I TOTALLY included the Transformers Shelf in the composition of this photo on purpose. I swear.)


Suddenly, I'm struck with inspiration. 


Abby: I know, Brian! Do something....nurse-ish.
Brian: ... ... ...

Don't worry, future patients. This is NOT the look he'll give YOU when
you ask him what a hematoma looks like.

Apparently, he didn't get my inspiration.


Brian: What the heck does "nurse-ish" mean?
Abby: I dunno. Try to look...collegiate. Do something a nurse would do.
Brian: I have no clue...
Abby: I KNOW! Get your stethescope!


Finally willing to play along, Brian takes out his stethescope, grabs a cat, and I get the awesomest shot of the night:

Brian's interpretation of the words "nurse-ish" and "collegiate" in the same photo.

Scrubs Photo Shoot = Awesome of Epic Proportions.