Twenty Questions, Revisisted

A few months ago, I reached out to my friends, family, and readers, and asked them to submit questions for a video blog. They did, and it turned out to be one of my favorite vlogs I've ever done.

However, there was one friend and reader who went above and beyond the call of duty. The questions she sent me were so fantastic, so funny, and SO PERFECT for Abby Gabs, that I just had to revisit our interview, and post them for you here. Prepare to laugh, because my pal Rachel is one funny gal. 

♥

Rachel: It's said that you turned down the role of Scarlett O'Hara in Gone With The Wind because Clark Gable was unwilling to leave you in the final, crucial scene. On her deathbed, Vivian Leigh cursed you for upstaging her at the premiere where this tidbit came out. Tell us... Did she really give birth to a litter of puppies at that event? And what happened to those said puppies?

Abby: I cannot confirm or deny the rumor of puppies, as I was too busy flirting with Gable and wowing the cameras with my authentic 1930s hairdo. Also, I was giggling in the corner with the Doctor, because how else could I have gone back in time to upstage Leigh, without the transportation of the TARDIS?

R: You've been offered the role of love interest in the new Transformers movie. Michael Bay has offered to Photoshop Megan Fox out of the previous movies. Your own love interest, Brian, is a huge Transformers fan. Will these men influence your decision to accept the role?

A: I had originally turned down the role until Mark Wahlberg, Donnie's brother, contacted me and begged me to do it. I don't normally accept roles under those conditions, but as I'm a close, personal friend of the Wahlbergs, I decided to join the cast so I can work with Mark again.

However, I really don't care what Bay decides to do about Megan Fox. She dug her grave, and now she has to lie in it with cast-off copies of her, *ahem*, "movie," Jennifer's Body.

R: We've all seen the made-for-TV movie, That Gabby Abby. It's a required course in 47 of the 48 continuous states' 5th grade education. How does it make you feel that North Dakota refuses to make it a required course as well?

A: I applaud any and all states' rights to create their own laws, so long as it does not interfere with my bank account. Therefore, I will be staging a peaceful protest on the North Dakota/South Dakota border in the upcoming months. There will be cupcakes, people waving signs around, and a New Kids on the Block cover band. I'm working on getting a cameo appearance by Donnie Wahlberg himself, but he still hasn't confirmed the dates with me as of yet. By the time I'm through, North Dakota will adore me, and my film will be forced down the throats of adolescents in the snowy north as well.

R: You're running for President this year. What is your stance on jeggings and should they be illegal?

A: Here is my public service announcement about that very subject.

R: You come from humble beginnings, and yet you decided to turn down Brangelina's offer to give you their mansion in California. Your landlord went on national television to offer to take down the wood paneling in your country flat, but you refused citing his love for '70s wood paneling and your respect for it. This has sparked a trendy design craze for the wood paneling and designers praise you for your bold statement. There are rumors that you'll be using orange shag carpeting in your home next... Are they true?

A: I was high at that television interview with my landlord. Wood paneling sucks. It should be ripped from every wall in America and burned in a giant bonfire. We'll call it an effigy to bad taste and horrible design. 

I don't mind shag carpet, though.

R: When you bought the new iPhone 5, Siri began speaking exclusively to you, neglecting all other iPhone 5 users and forcing Apple to attempt to correct the glitch. Siri responded by detaching herself from the Apple mainframe and becoming the first recorded sentient computer program. She now claims the title of Abby's BFF and there have been several attempts on the lives of other people who attempt to claim the title as well. Do you feel responsible for her actions?

A: Siri can be difficult to read. She tends to have a split personality, especially when asked questions regarding the space/time continuum, when giving directions to Mars, and when fielding that difficult question of which came first, the chicken or the egg. I cannot comment on the attempted murder claim, as my lawyer advises me against it. What I will say is that Siri is great. She is so great. She is, like, the best friend, ever...I swear...

R: A new phenomenon has been sweeping the world. Leading scientists cannot explain why spiders are giving birth to and randomly turning into fluffy bunnies. Some speculate that it is a direct reaction to the revelation in the Broadway musical hit, That Gabby Abby starting Merryl Streep, that you are frightened of spiders. What are your thoughts?

A: To Drs. Hoffstetter and Cooper, who are leading this research, I send you a huge thanks. Spiders give me the willies. And bunnies are adorable!

R: The New Kids On The Block have recently announced a brand new tour. Donnie Whalberg has gone public with his love for you and has even named the tour, "Abby Will You Marry Me?" He regularly Photoshops himself into pictures with you and has blogged about his obsession many times. You have made it very clear that you love and are faithful to your cabana boy, Brian, going so far as to marry him. What advice would you give others with this level of unrequited love?

A: Ah, unrequited love. It's a sneaky, painful, careless mistress. Here are my tips to those who suffer this terrible fate.

1: Be kind. Regardless of your feelings, there are others in the world who would give anything for a kind word from you. 

2: Be cautious over the words that you choose, but don't be afraid to share a little piece of yourself with your fans, just to make their own lives a little more meaningful.

3: Try to refrain from posting too many racy photographs of yourself on Twitter. Sure, it's fun to get the fans all whipped up into a frenzy, but it's taxing on their hearts. Give sparingly, but give.

♥

Thanks, Rachel, for sending me the most creative questions, ever. I hope you are suitably impressed. :)

A Letter to...Those Fashion People.

Dear Powers-of-Fashion, i.e., Those Who Make Up All The Fashion Rules,


I have to be honest, people. I rarely, if ever, pay that much attention to you. I am one of those consumers you desperately try to woo with your color and your intrigue and your mystery. Sometimes, Powers, it works. But most of the time I'm drawn to the soft, the simple, and the affordable. 


Unfortunately, sometimes you put your fingers in the cake of fashion, leaving me unable to attain my much-sought-after don't-give-a-hoot look. That being said, I have a few bones to pick with you.


Bone Number 1: Jeans
Designers of the world, hear this: I don't want holes in my brand new, $50 jeans. 

Source

Here's the thing: this is what my OLD pair looks like. (Well, sort of.) The holes in my old jeans are the very reason why I'm shopping for NEW ones. Yes, the distressed look may be all the rage amongst Those Who Love Twilight. However, I want to look somewhat "put together" when I leave the house. I don't want it to appear to the outside world that I just got into a fight with a mountain lion. So shore up those holes, designers!


(This rule also applies to appliques, bedazzlement, and other adornments you wish to put on my denim. Just give me some comfortable, well-fitting, good old-fashioned jeans, would ya? I don't need a glittery butterfly on my ass. Thanks, though, your creativity astounds.)


Bone Number Two: Big Girl Fashion
When it comes to plus size clothing, there's never that much to choose from. (Although I will give you credit, designers. It has gotten a TON better in the last few years. Pardon the expression.) Here's the thing: when I visit a website to peruse your wares, this is what I see:

Source

Cute, right?? Totally cute. I could definitely pull off looks numbers 1 and 4. I'd have to try on looks number 2 and 3.


And guess what, designers? When I try on those ensembles, I tend to look more like this:

Source

Now, granted, that may be more on me than you. Yes, I could lose some weight, thereby allowing your creations to fit correctly. But I think the collective voice of the plus size world wants you to know that all we want is to look slimmer than we are in real life. Yes, it fits (mostly), and yes, it's colorful. But we'd like to avoid looking like Shamu in a tent. Just FYI. (Can I get a "holla" from all the big girls in the house? Amen.)


Bone Number Three: Fashion Trends
Can I please get an invitation to the next Fall Fashion Color Choosing Dinner Party, please? Because this monopoly on choosing "the hottest color for 2011" leaves me with one choice, and one choice alone, when I shop for clothes.

Source, plus a little Photoshop.

Seriously. I walked into The Dress Barn yesterday and every single item on every single rack, at least 6 racks deep into the store, was some shade of purple. Violet, phlox, heliotrope, orchid, plum...it felt like being at a royal convention. (You would not believe how much time and energy went into researching variants of the color purple. Seriously.)


All I ask for, designers, is a little DIVERSITY. I don't think the main objective of fashion is to have us all walking around looking like Purple People Eaters. Because honestly, when you have a room full of people all wearing purple, that's what we're going to look like. 

Source

(Sorry for the language, but I had to share. Cuz that is HILARIOUS.)


In short, people of the fashion world, we just ask for a little consideration when you sit on your thrones of chic and mete out the commandments we are supposed to follow. Your edicts determine what we will find in our stores, thereby dictating what we can and cannot wear. While I hate to wave about empty threats, I don't like to be bullied. 


So don't make me whip out my mom jeans and my sweater from 1999 and my knee socks, Fashion Police. Because I will throw myself on the sword of Fashion Faux Pas before I allow myself to be lorded over by dictators such as you!


Sincerely and with much distaste,
Abby


PS: Your prompt attention to these problems would be much appreciated, as I need something pink to wear to a benefit next week. Thank you in advance.

Today's Top Ten: Why My Fingernails Are Destined to Be Short

I just applied for my first-ever freelance writer gig.

Terrified. Absolutely terrified.

I haven't applied for a job since 2003. Which meant total overhaul of my resume, a new cover letter, and writing samples, interspersed with moments of self-doubt and terror.


Since I have no idea if they'll even read my samples, let alone if or when I'll find out about the job, I'll just say that getting this gig could be seriously huge for me. As in doubling my current salary huge. BUT...I'm not going to focus on that. I'm going to focus on continuing to do what has brought me joy for so many years--write. If this gig doesn't pan out, I'll look for another.


Except this one is perfect for me. Wit, humor, obscure references---all required. It's like they know me. Like the mothership is calling me home.


ACK! STOPPIT!


Ok. No more obsessing. Instead, I'm going to do my second favorite thing in life, that has been bringing me joy for not as many, but still a number of, years. I'm going to write a list! Yay!

Top Ten Reasons Why My Fingernails Are Always Short:

1. Because I don't drink milk. So they're brittle and awful, so I just keep them trimmed.

2. Because I have short, husky, troll-like fingers. I imagine I'd look like a transvestite version of Gimli from the Lord of the Rings (who is a dwarf, not a troll) if I had girlie nails. 

He's so pretty.

3. Making jewelry requires nimble fingers. Some ladies can do intricate wire-work with long, lovely nails. Me--because of aforementioned troll-fingers, it's easier for me to work with very short nails.

4. Because things like global warming, rising gas prices, and Lindsay Lohan's legal struggles keep me on edge. Biting my nails relieves that tension.

5. My beautiful new cell phone is a touch screen. I imagine long nails would make it that much harder to navigate. It already takes me twice as long to send a text because of my larger-than-most fingertips. Nails would only increase the pain and suffering of friends who already wait 30 minutes for me to reply, "LOL."

6. I went through an acrylic nail phase a few years ago. I learned two very important lessons with acrylic nails: they murder your real life nails, and it hurts like h-e-double-hockey-sticks when you break one.

7. Part of my "Fat Girl" persona requires me to draw as little attention to myself as possible. (Unless it is from the safety of my computer chair.) So I don't eat large meals in front of friends, I have trained myself to laugh without snorting, and I don't have siren-red she-daggers.

8. Who wants long nails when you need to pick your nose? Not this girl.

9. I type fast. Really really fast. (As in 113 WPM, according to this website.) Nails would slow me down to, like, 90 WPM, and who has time for that? Again, not this girl.

10. I paint my toenails. That's enough for me.

My hubby things I have cute toes. :)

I'm Good At A Lot Of Things. Fashion Isn't One Of Them.

I love fashion. Not in the "read the magazines, stalk the super models, starve myself and my family so I can afford a $700 purse" kind of love. But a "man I wish I could wear that, isn't that a cute top, I miss high heels" kind of love.


I used to dress sort of cute, although I NEVER would've considered myself a fashionista. Certainly not a trend-setter. I always felt like I was a few days behind the curve. I would notice all the girls wearing the knee socks and loafers. I'd think, "Gee, I need to go buy some knee socks and loafers." But I had to wait until I saved up enough for them. By the time I made it to JC Penny's and Payless to catch up on the trend, the girls wouldn't be wearing knee socks and loafers anymore.


This made me sad.


But I still always felt cute and confidant in my clothes....until. 


You know what the until means.


Until I "GAINED THE WEIGHT."


Now, my basic everyday uniform consists of jeans, flip flops, and a comfortable, cotton tee of some shade. Today, it's brown. Yesterday, it was green. The day before that, it was teal. (Somewhere in Manhattan, Stacy and Clinton are cringing.)


(I am good at accessories, though. Especially making them. And selling them. In my Etsy Shop.)


There are some current trends that I just ADORE, and dream about trying to pull off. Like the tunic with leggings thing. Or this:

Thoughts I have when adoring this outfit:

1. She looks confidant.

2. She looks put-together.

3. She looks fashion-forward.

Thoughts I have about trying to put myself into this outfit:

1. It would take me 10 seconds to break my ankle in those heels.

2. Wouldn't my muffin top look great hanging over those jeans?

3. Sparkles? Seriously? Who am I, Miley Cyrus?

Honestly, I could probably pull something like this together at my various "Big Girl" shops, but I'd feel like Omar the Tent Maker. (Definition number ONE, definitely not definition number two.)

I always want to look confidant, put-together, and fashion-forward, especially for certain occasions: (read: birthday parties, dinner with friends, a night on the town). But for my everyday life, my jeans-flops-tee uniform works just fine.

Although, I could try a newer trend....like this one:

Yeah! What do you think?

Ummm....maybe not. My glasses just aren't as cool as hers.