A Comedian I'm Not (Always)

Yesterday's post was NOT funny.


I tried to make it funny, but it just wasn't funny. It felt forced.


I've had "My Funny" leave me only once before while writing Abby Gabs, and I managed to turn it into a relatively funny post. (Not like yesterday's post.) So, I started wracking my brain to figure out why my post yesterday was less than funny.


That's when it hit me.

AHA!

PMS. PMS affects My Funny. (Generic apology to my male readers here.)


PMS doesn't necessarily take away My Funny. It just dulls it a bit. IE: The wit is still there, it just seems fuzzy around the edges. See, when it's just a normal, PMS-free day, I'm all wit and charm and hilarity.

These are the days I come up with my best blog ideas.

But on PMS-y days, my thoughts are otherwise occupied. While I can come up with somewhat decent topics to write about, they always feel a little less...shiny. That's probably because my thoughts are consumed with other things...

Like huge Hostess cupcakes. And how I'm going to murder the next person who calls and interrupts The Gilmore Girls. And tequila. Always tequila.

There must be a hormone to blame. Or lack of sleep. Not enough caffeine? Something about PMS is seriously toying with my ability to be funny. Which indirectly affects my ability to be adorable. I mean, who's going to keep coming back to read a "sort of okay" blog??? 


And if today is the first day you've ever read my blog, and you're thinking, "She thinks she's funny? Really?"---PLEASE don't judge me by this post, or yesterday's! Just go read this one, and you'll swear you've just encountered Whoopi Goldberg's long lost Caucasian cousin.


Because, brain gnomes? Seriously?

"I'm SOOOO not funny."

WAIT! I just thought of a way to make the cute little brain gnome funny!!!

Now THAT'S funny.

The Dreaded Day Draws Nearer

For those unobservant few who may have missed it, I have a "bucket list."


Ok, ok, it's not really a "bucket" list. It's a list of 30 things I want to accomplish before I turn 30. (There's a cute little tab at the top of my blog, right under my glowing face. See it?)


I have to admit, as much as I'm dreading turning 30, the items on this list have kept me preoccupied. So I'm not thinking about wrinkles and grey hair and retirement YET....rather, I'm thinking about how I'm going to accomplish checking off everything on my list.


This weekend, I accomplished items #2 and 16:

#2: Plant a garden. No, this isn't the entirety of said garden, it's just the pretty Salvia I planted. (And no, I don't know if it's the kind Miley Cyrus smoked. (But I'll let ya know *wink wink*)

#16: Organize my recipes. I'd originally thought I'd cook a bunch of my favorite recipes, take pictures, and make my own cookbook. But, my birthday is 2 months away and I'm down to the wire. So, I cheated. I bought a binder, filled it with plastic sleeves, and loaded pre-printed recipes into it. But, it counts. Afterall, I made the rules.

As my birthday is 55 days, 22 hours, and 28 minutes away (SOB), I don't have that much more time to check off the last few things on my list. And I'm beginning to worry that there are a few that I won't accomplish. For instance:


#1: Lose 30 pounds.
Gulp.


Despite having recently joined Weight Watchers, and losing 6.8 pounds in 10 days, I'm just not so sure I will achieve this goal. NOT that I'm going to stop trying...but it will literally be down to the wire. I'll be standing on the scale on June 13th without a stitch of clothing on, standing on one leg, holding my breath, and holding onto a big "Happy Birthday" helium balloon, just for good measure.


#22: Give blood.
I honestly don't know what I was thinking when I added this one on the list. Sure, sure, it's a WONDERFUL thing to do, and kudos to those who do it on a regular basis. But you see, remember how I'm terrified of spiders? Well...my relationship with needles isn't that much better.

Quite honestly, the only reason I hate needles so much is because I'm such a bad stick. My veins are so buried, they may as well be in China. And no matter where I go, the nurses are so keen on finding those pesky, hidden veins, that it becomes a game to them. I've literally had 6 nurses in the room at once, all discussing how they were going to get my blood into that evil little vial. So yeah...I don't like needles. Can't I just donate something else? Cookies? Money? My time? My car? 


#9: Put my idea for a children's book into motion.
It didn't seem like such a lofty idea when I added it to my list. I've had the same idea for a children's book for about 2 years now, and I just keep sitting on it. I don't really know what I'm waiting for.


But I do know I don't take rejection well.


So...I sit. And wait. And hope one day, one of my brain gnomes will hop out of my ear, run to a publisher with my idea, get it approved, and report home that we're in the clear. Then, maybe, I'll put my idea out into the world. For now, I have to decide how to motivate said brain gnome to get going before June 13.


I know what those of you are going to say who are already 30 or older. It's not the end of the world, Abby, what are you so worried about?


Gray hair. Seriously. That's what I'm worried about.

What? You don't have brain gnomes??