What Happens When You Cross Cough Medicine with Bad TV?

A few days ago, while in the deepest throes of flu-induced lunacy, B and I took to our favorite pastime--watching bad TV.   There we were, snuggled up on the couch under our favorite afghan, channel-surfing our hearts out, until B finally landed on one of our new favorite shows, Inside American Jail.


Now, in case you've never seen this show, here's a brief synopsis. It's produced by the creators of Cops (SCORE!) so already, you know it's going to be hilarious. It details what goes on behind-the-scenes, once the bad guys have been carted off to jail. Gone are the brief roadside encounters with Billy Bob and his "I Didn't Do It Officer" t-shirts. Now we get to spend the night in the drunk tank with Billy Bob, and watch all his colorful attempts to convince the officers that he was NOT, in fact, "Drunk In Public."


This particular episode featured a young man named Evan, who claimed to be a "child of God," and thereby innocent, despite being drunk, disorderly, disobedient, and downright dumb. (How's THAT for some alliteration?!?)


As Evan is being processed, he goes into a drunken, apologetic soliloquy in which he informs the officers (and, to our delight, the audience) that he was a child actor. Apparently, being a child actor, paired with the fact that you're a child of God, means you can get obliterated on Jack Daniels and harass your friends and neighbors. But the best part of the speech, well...


Let the record reflect that I searched HIGH and LOW for this clip so I could share it with you. For HOURS. I couldn't find it anywhere, and just quoting this guy wasn't funny enough. So please ignore my lack-of-shower, no-makeup self in my very own imitation of Evan's drunk speech...or at least the parts we could understand. (It's all in the name of comedy, after all...)




Anyone else think I sound like a mix between Forrest Gump and Bobby Boucher from The Water Boy?


Naturally, two things happened. 1) We laughed hysterically, and proceeded to quote him over and over for the next 3 days and 2) We immediately went all technological and turned to the internet to find out if his drunken speech had any validity.

Five minutes later, we were on the Internet Movie Database (best website EVER) searching for our favorite friendly drunk, Evan. 

And shut my mouth, there he was. Evan Lockwood, IMDb'd. For the world to see. And he has 5 whole entires in his filmography: Fried Green Tomatoes, The Rambling Rose, some appearance in a TV series I've never heard of, and not one but TWO appearances on Inside American Jail. (And if that don't beat all, you can find him on Facebook, too. He has Three Whole Friends.)


Now, under normal circumstances, this would've produced an interesting conversation with my husband. However, we can thank the copious amounts of psueodofed in my bloodstream for the following conversation:


A: (With toothbrush still in mouth) I wonder if you can create your own IMDb profile.
B: OH MY GOD I was just wondering the same thing.
A: Cuz I've only seen Fried Green Tomatoes once, when I was like 10, and I've never seen Ramblin' Rose, so without watching those movies, how could we verify if he was even in them at all?
B: I bet he TOTALLY created that IMDb profile and put himself in those movies.
A: We could TOTALLY do that to YOU!
B: You're thinking about your blog, aren't you?
A: YES! We could put you in the MOVIES!
B: I'd only want to be in stuff that was on before I was born. Like Flipper. Or I Love Lucy.


Well, Brian...Your wish, as they say, is my command.

My Husband Is In My Brain

Yesterday, while watching bad TV with my husband, the subliminal messages in the commercials were really starting to work.


I wanted Chocolate Milk, and I wanted it BAD.

Damn you, adorable Nesquik bunny!

But, we were in our comfortable, legs-intertwined just so, took-us-10-minutes-to-get-settled-into-this-perfect-position TV positions on the couch when this desire arose. And I was too comfy, and too lazy, to head to the kitchen to investigate our fridge to see if I had the necessary tools to produce said chocolate milk. Plus, there was the question of whether I could actually HAVE the chocolate milk, since I knew I was close to meeting my Weight Watchers points for the day.


An hour, and 3 more chocolate milk commercials, later, Brian heads to the kitchen to scare up a late night snack. "Abby," I hear, "We DO have chocolate syrup."


HOORAY!!! 


Pause. 


Have a 30 second argument with myself that chocolate milk isn't a total sin and I think I have a few points left anyway. Check Weight Watchers on my phone, discern that I can have chocolate milk, but it will send me 1 point over on the day. Decide that's not the end of the world and convince myself that it's a-ok. Happily, I skip to the kitchen to whip myself up a cold glass of chocolatey-chocolate goodness.


Then I see the dinner dishes. And the slightly messy kitchen. And the full dishwasher that needs to be unloaded.


Pause.


Tell myself that Brian will be gone all day tomorrow, and I can take care of the dishes first thing in the morning, thereby procuring more free time to spend with him tonight. But it will only take 10 minutes to clean this up, then I won't have to do it in the morning. Plus, dirty dishes overnight---ew. Except, Brian is sitting in there, waiting for me to come back and snuggle with him on the couch. Guilt guilt guilt, back and forth, back and forth. Dammit! I know, I'll knock it out REALLY super-fast, and then I'll reward myself with chocolatey-chocolate goodness. I roll up my proverbial sleeves and start cleaning like a mad woman.


Five minutes into my impromptu cleaning session, I hear Brian laughing behind me.


A: What?
B: I thought you were coming in here to fix some chocolate milk?
A: I'll get to it in a minute.
B: (laughing) You're totally doing the dishes first, because you're feeling guilty about chocolate milk, and you convinced yourself that if you cleaned the kitchen first, you could use the chocolate milk as a reward, which also justifies going over your alloted points for the day.


I looked at my husband, stunned, and started laughing like a crazy person. 


It's scary, and somewhat exhilarating, to be married to someone who knows you so well, it's like he's living inside your brain.

Our Television-Watching Habits Are Questionable

My husband didn't woo me in the traditional way. There were no fancy restaurants, flowers and candy, or moonlit walks on the beach. He left out the poetry, the love notes, and he never stood outside my window and held a boombox over his head. However, the first time we ever hung out, just the two of us, he wormed his way into my heart by revealing something about himself that I could totally relate to.


He loves "bad" TV.


As long as I can remember, one of my favorite things to do is turn on the TV, find something random/bizarre/colorful, and just enjoy. Now, I use the term "bad" loosely, because these shows aren't awful, they're just not necessarily what other people our age spend their time watching. They're not the "hip" shows, the ones that win all the awards, the ones that people talk about over the water coolers. They're the kinds of shows that you can find any day of the week, at just about any time, on more than one channel.


Here's my Top Five List of the Best "Bad" TV shows:


#5: Trauma: Life in the ER
If you've never heard of this Discovery: Health phenomenon, you basically follow around a group of ER doctors and nurses for an hour, encountering all the same patients they do--gunshots, car accident victims, crazy homeless guys on PCP. And believe me when I say that they don't leave anything to the imagination. This show is NOT for the faint-of-heart. This is reality TV at its finest. There's blood, there's swearing, there's drunk people, there's drama, there's Laytex gloves....what else do you need?


This was the very first "bad" TV hubby and I ever snuggled up with. Romantic, right? When we first started dating, Brian came by my dorm room to hang out. He found me watching this show. His first reaction was, "Gross! Is that somebody's eyeball???" 


Ten minutes later, we were snuggled on my couch, engrossed (and slightly nauseous) as we watched a trauma doctor extract a piece of glass from a woman's eye.


There was cringing. Shouts of "EWWW!" and "UGGGH!" There may have been gagging. But we were hopelessly hooked. Be forewarned, if you watch the clip below, that there may be stuff in there that you don't want to see. But if you're into "bad" TV...watch it. I dare you.







#4: America's Funniest Home Videos
There isn't a single person in this country who hasn't seen this show. Seriously, it's an American icon. And it is mindless, engaging, comical entertainment. Who doesn't laugh out loud when a dude gets whacked in the head with a wiffleball bat? Who doesn't find a music montage of groin hits hilarious? And don't tell me you don't guffaw when the guy gets pommeled by the avalanche of snow.


This show replaced cartoons for me. It was a staple in our house growing up, back in the days when Bob Saget abandoned his true calling and tried to take his "Danny Tanner" persona to prime time. (I can only imagine how hard it was for him not to curse while narrating the video clips. Seriously. Have you ever heard his stand-up???)


And now that AFV is back with the adorable Tom Bergeron, it has once again taken its time-honored time-slot on Sunday evenings. Our Sundays with my parents go like this: coffee, Dad's famous breakfast, movie, Food Network, 2 hour discussion about what we're having for dinner, grocery list, grocery shopping, I cook dinner, we eat dinner, we watch AFV.


After all, nothing is more entertaining than cats being funny.








#3 Any and all Countdowns
This one's a little more vague. Because it doesn't matter to us if it's a countdown to the most notorious president on the History Channel, or a countdown of the top 50 one-hit-wonders on VH1. Doesn't matter. It doesn't even matter if we start watching it on number 11. We're going to watch it to the end. Seriously, don't tease me. If "Whoomp, There It Is" is number 11, what can possibly be #1???


#2 The VH1 "I Heart The" Series
PLEASE tell me you've seen these. "I Heart the 70s," "I Heart the 80s," I Heart the 90's,"Black to the Future"----this is "bad" TV royalty, people!!! We've seen these specials a hundred times, and if we ever catch it on again, we watch it again. The music videos, the news coverage, the comedic commentary...these shows are classic.


If you ever wondered how Mo Rocca felt about the infamous Pee-Wee Herman arrest of 2002, this is the show for you. If you ever wanted to see the lead singer of Maroon Five sing all the lyrics to "Do the Humpty Hump," this is the show for you. If you enjoy reminiscing about rubix cubes, Hall and Oates, and Quantum Leap, this show is for you.


Seriously, if you enjoy laughing out loud while facing memories from your childhood that you thought you'd forgotten, you will love these shows. I recommend the episodes from 1987, 1989, 1994, and 1997, respectively. Just watch this clip, and see what I mean. And if you want more, and it's not on cable today, you can find a TON of clips on YouTube. 


You're welcome.



#1 COPS
You totally saw that coming, didn't you?


There is NO TV in the history of TV that is more entertaining than Cops. For reals, yo.


And the best part is that you can find this show on at just about any time of the day. On just about any channel. We've watched it on Fox, NBC, G4, TruTV, FX, Spike....we've even caught in on CMT. It's on in the morning, it's on in the afternoon, it's on at night. It's on a 3 in the morning. 


Admit it. Cops is endless fun. You've got dope dealers wearing "Don't Tase Me Bro" tshirts mumbling "I'm innocent" around their mouthful of recently-swallowed marijuana. You've got crazy drunk old guys who resemble Grizzly Adams peeing on a police car because he's just THAT DRUNK. You've got a bottle-blonde on the warpath because her boyfriend, who had been pulled over for speeding, said the joint in the ashtray was HERS not HIS. And no episode of Cops is complete without some criminal telling the arresting officers that he wasn't the person they were looking for, despite being caught on FILM and chased for 3 blocks. It seems to me that, in order to be a criminal, you need to have a PhD in back-pedaling.


I will say that, if there's a small window when Cops isn't on, we will settle for one of the shows featuring high-speed chases in a pinch.


But when it comes to "bad" TV, Cops always takes the cake.




*EDIT* It took me two hours to write this post. Not because I was having a bad writing day,  but because I watched at 30 minutes worth of video clips on YouTube. Particularly of the VH1 "I ♥ The" series. I'm serious, if you're bored today, you have to go check them out. Mindless entertainment is the key to a blogger's success.