The Life of a Celebrity's Pretend Girlfriend

It's been a lonely, lonely summer. The big-time romance with my famous boyfriend, Donnie Wahlberg, is going a little stale. I've been doing my part, faithfully Twitter-stalking him on my many electronic devices. 

But alas, he's nowhere to be found.


It's a sad, sad state of affairs. You see, once upon a time, my Twitter feed would light up on an almost-hourly basis with Tweets from my sweetie. There were pictures from the set of Blue Bloods, updates on his fellow band mates, tweets from the road. I miss his silly videos, like this one:




And his daily bits of encouragement, which his fans have started calling WOWs (or words of wisdom.) My favorite of all time (so far)?

Because he used a hyphen, and made up a word. And it is flat-out adorable.

Each morning I dash to my computer, hoping that he's surfaced for a quick Twitter chat. And each time my Twitter feed is empty, I feel a little bit sadder. But my love for him runs so deep, that despite his lack of Twitter activity lately, I continue to go back. Holding my breath. Hoping for more. Sigh.

In my mind, I know he just came off of a huge world tour (Europe, Australia, South America, Mexico.) They also just finished up with the 2012 New Kids on the Block Cruise. (If you love me, you'll give me the eleventy-billion dollars it costs so I can go next year.) I know he's probably taking a much-deserved vacation, relaxing on some remote beach somewhere, soaking up the sunshine and adoration of the women of a nearby village.

But that doesn't make me miss him any less.

Thankfully, there's a whole mess of Donnie's girlfriends out there in the world, and in an act of sisterly solidarity, we've been keeping one another abreast of his comings and goings. We tweet, we Facebook, we upload pictures to Twitpic and Instagram. The most organized of us got together and created the MOST AWESOME WEBSITE EVER. Those Wahlberg Men dot com are solely responsible for the epicness that is my Donnie Wahlberg desk calendar.

It's swoon-worthy on a daily basis.

They also keep my Donnie mania quenched by posting some of the most excellent fan pics I've ever seen in my life. While I wasn't able to be on the boat with all the other "Block Heads" this summer, with the help of Those Wahlberg Men, I almost felt like I was there thanks to photos like this one:

It leaves me speechless.

And so, though I've thought about ending it, though it's been on-again-off-again, and though I'm on the verge of insanity from the loneliness, I'll stick it out. I will keep pounding the proverbial pavement in the virtual world that is the Twitterverse. It takes a lot of work being a celebrity's pretend girlfriend. But I'll keep it up. Because I could never turn my back on those abs.

Thanks to the moderators at Those Wahlberg Men dot com for the awesome swag, photos, band updates and more! You guys rock!!

How To Become A Professional Twitter-Stalker (An AbbyGabs Tutorial)

If you have an obsessive nature like me, or you have a fondness for one celebrity in particular, Twitter Stalking could be your next step toward fame. If you've ever been curious about what it takes to be a successful Stalker (as I consider myself somewhat a professional), then this Tutorial is for you!

Step One:
Create a Twitter account. Revel in the newness of this technology. Follow every single person you can find--famous or not--until you're following 1500 people in less than an hour. Realize, at this rate, your Target's tweets will be lost in the crowd. Frown. 


Step Two: 
Create a new Twitter account. Pay more attention to the username you choose this time, keeping your Target in mind. What will catch their eye and make them smile? What name will put you at the top of the list of fans to follow? Use your imagination. Get creative. Don't google "fan girl names" for help.


Examples:  BeMyBieber69. MarryMeMarkyMark. 2Hot4Any1butJT. You get the gist.


Step Three:
Now's the time to find your mark. You'll want to make sure that your Target is active on Twitter. Because, honestly, Twitter Stalking someone who only tweets on holidays gets a little boring. Even though each new tweet from an infrequent flyer is like winning the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes, your interest will wane after awhile. 


Once you've found the Target's profile, click the "follow" button. Now re-read every tweet, all the way back to the beginning of time, and admonish yourself for all the celebrity lovin' you missed while sitting on your hands and not creating a Twitter account sooner. Reply to messages they sent in April of 2009, knowing they'll probably never be seen. Then retweet them to your 10 followers (your best friend from high school, your Mom, and 8 other fan girls who jumped on you like monkeys as soon as you logged in.)

Example: My own Target, DDUB himself, is definitely active on Twitter.
He tweets up to 10 times a day! And see that little blue check mark?
That means Twitter has officially verified that he is, in fact, who he says he is.
Beware of posers. Just because his user name is ZacEfron
doesn't mean it's really THE Zac Efron!

Step Four:
Try to keep your head from exploding when your Target tweets live for the first time. (IE: When you're actually on Twitter.) There's a thrill in knowing you're sharing the interwebs with them at the same time, and they don't even know it. Respond to this tweet 375 times, even though it only reads "Happy Tuesday, tweeps!" When your compulsive tweeting comes to an end, google the word "tweeps" and try to get hip with the lingo.


Step Five:
Reconfigure your Twitter layout. Spend 2 days finding the perfect free photo-manipulation software, downloading it to your computer, and creating the perfect background for your profile. Once your profile is all shiny and new again, begin a NEW Twitter campaign, begging asking the celebrity to check it out, in hopes that it will result in a follow.


(Author's Note: It's best if you use pictures of the Target. It's good for a celebrity ego boost. If you have a photo with you AND the Target, so much the better. But save THAT one for your avatar.) 

This is my Twitter background. While it focuses on my blog  (because
that's why I started my Twitter account in the first place) there are enough pictures
of Donnie Wahlberg to draw in his interest, were he to click over to my profile. 

Step Six:
After about a week, when the only responses to your clever tweets have been retweets from fellow stalkers, you'll begin to feel downtrodden. Doesn't my mark see me? Can't he HEAR ME??

AM I INVISIBLE??!?

Fear not, Stalker friend. This is only the beginning of your campaign. It's time to pull out the big guns. It's TIME to get CREATIVE. It's time to be RELENTLESS. 


It's time to download the Twitter app for your phone so you can stalk your Target 24/7...


(Author's note: Wine helps when the breakdown arrives. Tequila works, too.)



Step Seven:
Now that you have the Twitter app on your phone, you can take Stalking to a whole new level. Put yourself in situations that would make for a humorous "look where I am" tweet. Take pictures of things you think will make the Target laugh. Visit the beach and write silly phrases in the sand and photograph them, making sure to tag the Target when you upload them to your profile. These techniques will only make you more visible to the Target...because who can resist clicking on a link in a Tweet??? 

Just 4 of many examples that I've uploaded to Twitter via TwitPic.com.
Believe me when I say there are other less flattering pictures
I've used in the past, including taking photos of DVDs, road signs, and
his name written in the sand at the beach. (Yes I really did that. I swear.)

Step Eight:
Devise a clever plan that will make you more visible to your Target's FANS, which will only make you more visible to the target. Have a giveaway. Draw a funny picture. Find a photo of the Target and insert your own witty caption. Have a good friend make you a birthday pinata bearing the face of your chosen celebrity. Whatever your plan, think outside the Twitter box. Being a standout in a crowd of crazies is the ONLY way to get that follow. 


Step Nine:
Enlist the help of your friends. Don't let them weasel out of it by saying they have no love for Twitter. Saying they're already stretched too thin by Facebook and Pinterest is NOT an excuse. Remind them of why they love you and are friends with you in the first place. And tell them your life will NOT BE COMPLETE without a follow from your Target. Eventually, they will comply. Even if it's reluctantly, with a twinge of annoyance. 


With the help of your friends tweeting, retweeting, and pestering the hell out of continually asking your Target to follow you, your dreams WILL come true. Your Target will eventually click that little follow button because you and your army have made it impossible for him not to do so.


Step Ten:
Celebrate. Squeal. Take screen captures of that special moment in time when the follow becomes official. Then log off the internet and go spend some time with your friends. They deserve it.


(Author's note: Wine helps when celebrating with your friends. Tequila works, too.)

*     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *

By following these simple 10 steps, you're sure to create a closer, more intimate bond with the celebrity of your choice. And the good news is---most of them are on Twitter for fan feedback. That means there's no chance of a restraining order ever being issued. Yay!

*Edit* If enlisting your friends doesn't secure you the follow you so desire, you can always turn to sexual innuendo.  Many find this technique to be effectual. However, there HAS to be a line you won't cross somewhere, right?

Autumn Is For Football, Apple Cider, & Twitter Stalking

I can admit to you, Abby Gabbers, that I have not been as diligent with my social networking during the warmer months as I would have liked.


It couldn't be helped. The beach was beckoning, we had several visitors this summer, and what little free time I've had was spent with my nose in a book. (Well...in my Kindle.)


With the fall months comes two things I'm always excited about: football, and new TV.


Naturally, there's one show in particular that I was SUPER excited about...and if you've read my blog more than once, you can probably guess which show that might be.


Blue Bloods on CBS.


Not just because it's an excellent, edge-of-your-seat cop drama. Not just because it tops the ratings as Friday's #1 show (see? 11.2 million people agree with me.) And not just because it stars Tom Selleck and his spectacular mustache.

Oh no, dear readers. That show excites me because it ALSO stars my "pretend boyfriend," Donnie Wahlberg. 


(Yes, I can totally refer to him as "boyfriend," because he follows me on Twitter, wishes me happy birthday, and lives in my bedroom.) 


(Ok, my Donnie Pinata lives in my bedroom, but I still see him everyday. That's totally boyfriend material.)

Ah, Donnie. The object of my obsession affection.

With the new season of Blue Bloods, my twitter stalking has resurfaced, full force. (*Warning, if you're a Blue Bloods fan, the next part of this blog may include spoilers from last night's episode. Well...sort of.)


As we settled in last night to watch what was promised to be a very emotional, suspenseful episode of my favorite one-hour drama, Brian was less than surprised to see me snuggling up with my Droid. 


And yes, it was plugged in for optimum battery performance.

During each commercial break, I was Tweeting furiously. You know...to show my support for the show. (It had nothing to do with the fact that you-know-who was tweeting, too.)


And so, for a solid hour last night, my Twitter feed looked like this:

Let the record show that this was posted at 8 pm. The show comes on at 10 pm.

Shhh...don't tell my husband he wasn't included in this list.
I mean, I only get 140 characters.

Inside info from the ep...if you saw it, you TOTALLY
know who deserved the melon attack.

I use the word "pretend" loosely.

It wasn't until I started re-tweeting other people's tweets about Donnie that I thought of my friend, Alex, from Late Enough, and a post she recently published titled "This Is Social Media: (Not) Changing the World With Twitter."


Only then did I realize I might lose some important followers due to my obsessive Donnie Wahlberg tweeting.


I paused, my finger hovering over the "Tweet" button. Should I be a more responsible Tweep? Should I be posting links to articles about important world events, tips to better parenting, or ways to improve the environment by planting one tree at a time? Maybe I should focus on trying to change the world one tweet at a ....


OMG DONNIE'S BACK ON TWITTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... What?

#DonniePinata Day Has Arrived

It's the day we've all been waiting for.

The day we've often wondered about since May 27, 2011, when one Donnie Wahlberg of New Kids on the Block fame chose to follow me on Twitter.

The day we've promised and hinted at and made reference to each time Donnie comes into conversation.

My birthday Donnie Pinata is here. 

Without further ado, a short AbbyGabs production:





(If you can't see the video, go here: http://youtu.be/oJ29ZZ0f4FQ) 


Now, readers, if you think this video is great, and you love me, join the fun on Twitter. Let's see if we can get Mr. Wahlberg's attention...perhaps we will get a re-Tweet or maybe even a hug. All you have to do is keep tweeting the link to this blog--and make sure you include the tags @DonnieWahlberg, @ThatGabbyAbby, and #DonniePinata. Let's keep the insanity rolling, people. Let's Twitter stalk Donnie Wahlberg TOGETHER!!


<Insert Maniacal Laugh Track Here>