Adding Another Resolution to 2012

Ever have one of those conversations that makes you stop and think? The kind that sticks with you hours, even days, after its conclusion? I had one of those conversations recently, with my husband and my friend, Dana.


Topic: The possible end of the world.
Question: If it all ended tomorrow, and you had a moment of knowledge that the end was coming, would you be ok? Happy? Satisfied?


When Dana posed this question to me, my gut reaction was NO. (Followed by my deepest hope that the end of the world doesn't mean a zombie apocalypse. Because zombies creep me out.)


I have to much to do for my life to just end in a <POOF.> Too many things I haven't accomplished yet. Too many dreams I haven't fulfilled. Would I go into that moment kicking and screaming, shaking my fists at the universe? (Or the Mayans?)

Maybe the Mayans just had a warped sense of humor.

As Dana and my husband talked about how they felt about the (impossible) situation, I found myself listing all those things in my head. Those things that plague me everyday, just out of reach.

List of Things I Don't Have Yet

(But still really want, thereby making the end of the world even more sucky.)

*Kids

*A job I love

*My own house
*A second car

*A published book

*A million dollars (yes, I realize that's a bit of a stretch)

The thought of not fulfilling these dreams makes me a little panicky. I've waited so long! I've been so patient! It's almost within our grasp! With the conversation still going on around me, I focus on steadying my breathing, calming my rapid heart rate. It's not going to happen, Abby, I tell myself. The Mayans just ran out of rock. We'll be celebrating 2013 with Ryan Seacrest and the giant sparkly ball with everyone else on the planet come December 31st.

Moments later, I confess my answer to the question to Brian and Dana. I feel guilty saying it. Ungrateful. 

"No."

I say that it's not that I am not appreciative for what I do have, it's just that I want more. "Everybody wants more, Abby," Dana says wisely. 

And that's when Brian says it. The thing that I'll mull over for hours, even days, far after the conversation has ended. The thing that, at first, hurts my feelings until I realize the truth behind the statement.

"Abby tends to focus more on what we don't have. 

It makes it harder for her to see what we DO have."

Oof.

And yet, it's true.

I lie awake at night, imagining what my life would be like if I could turn off that maternal desire to have a baby. How much happier I'd be if I could stop yearning. I pass by houses with "For Sale" signs in the yard and am bitter that I don't have one of my own. I get up at the crack of dawn to schlep my husband to and from work, grumbling all the way about my own lack of transportation. I talk about the book I'm writing, and the other one I've got floating around in my head, with gusto (even though I haven't touched my manuscript since Thanksgiving.)

With his words bouncing around in my head, I've spent the day berating myself for this flaw in my personality. Asking myself if I strive too much (or plan too much) for the future, thereby letting today pass me by. And I started listing all the things in my life that I DO have, (for my reference, and Brian's.)

List of Things I Do Have

(Thereby making my life awesomely awesome)

*A steady, healthy relationship with a man I admire and trust.
*A family that supports me, loves me, and makes me laugh.
*Friends who appreciate me for me, no matter my flaws.
*Four cats who let me hug them, even when they don't want to be hugged.

*A job that allows me to follow my true passion--writing.

It's not as if I don't know how blessed I am in life. I just want more. More, more, more.

Does that make me greedy? Selfish? Ungrateful?

Or does that make me normal?

Regardless, I've decided to add a new resolution for 2012. I'm going to stop focusing so much on the things we don't have and spend more time in the moment, loving everything we DO have.

Including, but not limited to, my Twitter follow by Donnie Wahlberg.

Because that belongs on the list, too.

It's a Brand New Shiny Year! (You Knew That Already...Right?)

On New Year's Day, my sister-in-law wished her friends and family a happy new year in a grand proclamation. It was so profound, in fact, I've decided to share it here.

She is wise. She is eloquent. She is eleven and a half. (She also writes a blog.)


Every person on the face of the planet faces a new year with goals/ambitions/resolutions. Call them what you will, we all hope to be better every January first. I am no different. Each year my goals grow less and less specific. My list-o'-resolutions has shrunken in size as my age has increased. I try to focus more on family, friends, fun. But this year, I want to be better at lots of things. I want to improve. I want to actually meet one of my goals...maybe even surpass it.


I mentioned in a previous post that my only new year's resolutions this year were to be nicer to myself, and to refrain from growing anymore kidney stones. Well, part of being nicer to me includes being nicer to my body. And that means eating better, being more active, and being smarter about food.


You guessed it, readers. I'm joining the cattle call of 66% of Americans who resolve to lose weight in 2012! Woo!


Part of me feels like this:

It's a new year! It's time to start fresh! I can DO THIS!!!

The other part of me feels like this:

The scale hates me.

*Honesty Alert*-----> I have promised myself that I was going to lose weight every January since 2003. I have failed to accomplish that goal every single time. I don't know why this year is going to be any different. I can't promise that it will be. But I have some new weapons on my side of the trenches. And I think they'll make all the difference in the world. 


My Personal Atom Bomb?  I have a workout buddy/personal trainer. Yes, she is my best friend. And yes, we'll probably be splitting a bottle of red wine at the end of every week while we commiserate over the unfairness in the truth of our waist-to-hip ratios. But the truth of the matter is that I have someone who isn't only willing to support me through this journey, but will be actively taking it WITH me. What a concept. If I weren't so scared of her Army-inspired workouts, I'd be flat out thrilled.


I'm not going to turn my blog into a wellness, fitness blog. You're not going to get daily rants about my elliptical, or regular information regarding my weigh-ins. I'm sure there will be some funny moments that I'll share regarding exercise (because let's face it. Exercise is funny.) But don't expect much to change around here this year.


Well...except for my header. And my button. And the basic look of my blog in general...(fingers crossed that you like what you see!)